I think just because I named this site about my horses doesn’t mean I can’t blog about other aspects of my life, which may or may not involve horses. This past weekend I did not see my two horses; however, I did buy senior feed for Buddy and, with the help of my husband, delivered it to Buddy’s location.
The thing is, I can no longer carry those 50 lb bags of horse feed, nor the 50 lb bag of hay cubes. I hate that part of getting older, having to rely on others to do what I used to do capably by myself. In fact, I find it uncomfortable to clean Buddy’s stall when I am there, but I do it – because his stall is so easy to do. But when I attempt to help out and “pick” the other horses’ stalls, I can not complete it. So I am worthless in that sense, but very worthy in understanding and working with the horses and enjoying their beings. So, that’s enough for now.
I was thinking the other night about the changes that have occurred in the last few years — to me personally, to my husband, to my beliefs, to my family. Most of these changes have been minor, but life altering. Physically, I have new lines in my face, my back doesn’t like to stand up straight, my neck doesn’t turn to the sides very well, and my skin looks damn old. None of that is awful, just different.
Mentally, I struggle with patience and the desire to scream at the politicians in our world. Now that may not seem like much, but when I was raising kids and working in the law firm I did not have the inclination to worry about our country very much. Now I know that was wrong, but it’s a fact. Now that I am retired and have time to become obsessed with my world, I have become appalled at the leadership around this earth. It stinks, that’s all I can say. No honesty, no regard for the human beings or other creatures they have control over, nothing positive. Only greed and power rule, and I guess in my naivety I hadn’t realized it has always been that way. I digress.
So, aging brings on new worries about different things. I once again have to learn how to cope with the ugliness in our world, and search for the loveliness that I know exists. And again, I am brought back to the horses, who are lovely in their simplistic life and trust all will be as it should be. So difficult to accomplish their mindfulness.
Which brings me to my husband, who also is aging, and with more pains to endure than I have. He does things that his body rebels against, like lifting those 50 lb bags of horse feed, but insists on doing it, and then has to cope with joints and muscles that scream at him in pain. I hate that. I hate that he hurts, and that he does these things for me that cause the hurt. It simply doesn’t seem fair that this is the way life turns as we age. Where is the reward? Just to be alive? Sometimes I think it’s just not enough, but then I think, “Hey, look around and enjoy what’s here. Our scrappy, happy dogs; our lovely home; our children who love us; the flowering cherry trees. It is enough!”
So, the point is, forget the BS in the world and look at what’s near and dear. That’s what they tell us to do, and so I will try.
I did go see Reo today. He made me happy.