SAYING GOODBYE

Sometimes it’s just too hard to put words down on paper, and so this blog has been silent for awhile. I am filled with grief over the loss of The Old Horse, Buddy. All these years of being a part of my life, with only a few separations, and now, finally, the separation is final. He died in the pasture he shared with Reo, but it was an unpleasant ending on a gloomy day in mud and pain, not what I had always planned for his final days. How sad that after all the years together with me spoiling him and caring for him, that I could not make his final hours better and peaceful. It is unfortunate that we cannot go back in time and salvage the regretful times and make them purer and more acceptable. Both my husband and I were with The Old Horse until he took his last breath. We believe he knew we were there, but that doesn’t stop the pain we felt as we lost him. My tears are for him, for me, and for my husband. Buddy is buried in a beautiful valley between a river and a creek, amidst beautiful trees and pastureland. It is a place we would like to have our ashes spread when our time comes, along with the ashes of our beloved dogs, and thereby join The Old Horse in whatever lies ahead.

We began to heal and remember moments we had shared, and then our beautiful aged dog, Jake, told us it was time for him to leave us, too. We did not want to believe him at first, but gradually his unhappiness with life bore down on us and we accepted that he was ready to join our other pets and leave us. We have not been able to stop our grieving yet, but we will, I know. It is very hard to look around and not see his big hairy body taking up all the room in our small condo. I somehow cannot convey how much I loved these animals and how much a part of my existence they had become. I am told their memories will bring me happiness and laughter, but right now I find that impossible to fathom as I hurt so very much.

They are physically gone, and I accept that part, but my heart hurts and my tears flow. I do understand that sometime in the future I will cope with this massive loss and look around and take pleasure in my family; in my two happy rescue dogs, Chloe and Nellie; and in our paint horse, Reo. They are all proof that living is good and a future awaits. But for now, I grieve.

Published by mjm1942

I have aged. Of course. I was born in Trenton, NJ in 1942. I now live in Kentucky. It's 2019. My marriage has lasted 56 years, and I still love the man. My three children live far from us, and we do miss them; however, it's fine with just he and me. We are best friends. I love my dogs and my horses. I have failed as a writer (dreams died long ago), but I still dabble now and then. I have always been restless; perhaps because I have moved so many times in my life. I feel like something is waiting to happen around the corner. I graduated from Salem College at 55 years of age. I am a woman.

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