It’s late, and, as usual, I can’t sleep. So, my thoughts jump in and realizations appear. Odd thing, aging. It plays with your mind and things you never thought about before begin to enter. Tonight my thoughts are the sad realization that if I live as long as my mother, I have about ten years left on this earth. That means that if I see my oldest son and only daughter once a year for the rest of my life, I will see each of them ten more times before I die. Isn’t that the strangest thing to dwell on? Both of those well-loved children live far from my husband and me, so real life visits are few. Phone conversations do take place, but, of course, that is not quite the same as close personal touching. Probably these thoughts come to me because of the COVID thing; you know, the isolation, the inability to travel, time hurrying by.
I am fortunate that I have one son living nearby, and I am always filled with loving, happy feelings when I am near him and can share life with him. He and I often enjoy tasting new wines while digging into our take on the turmoils occurring in our world right now. We have much in common, like bird watching, planting flowers, walking, and more. He is fun to be with, and a joy and comfort to both my husband and me.
That does not mean that I don’t feel the love of, and for, my other children. I have much in common with them, too. My daughter and I love our horses, and the outdoors, and sharing opinions, but she is not here. My eldest son and I share philosophical ideas, and dreams, and a love of nature, but he is not here, either. There is this heavy feeling of loss because of their absence in my life. Now that I’m no longer a young person in body or energy, I find I am still mentally and emotionally capable of living a satisfying life. I am, however, aroused by memories of my past life, and because of that I think of odd things like how many times will I see my children before I die.
I truly do not feel old, and I truly do enjoy my life, but occasionally reality throws itself at me and acknowledges that time is short and I better get myself going if I intend to continue living a full life. That means it’s time to walk the dogs, ride the horse, enjoy time with my son and his family, and keep my arms tightly around the man I have loved and shared most of my life with. And yes, enjoy a glass of Pinot.